I have started this blog post so many times over the past four months but each time has never felt right. It has been a case of being extremely patient, listening to my parts and waiting until my energy returned. If you are an astrology nerd then you will know there has been a Stellium of planets in Capricorn. Suffice to say it has been a tough time for a lot of people. I have done a lot of work in therapy to communicate with two critical introjects and to validate the younger parts of myself in order to give them a stronger voice and to make space to address their needs for safety, play and nurture.

This is all good but it has taken a lot of energy and large amounts of writing, reading and listening to podcasts about working with critical voices. I’m glad that my inner administrator records my process in a journal & last night I read the August & September ones, it was a powerful read and testament to the hard work I’ve put in. I’m giving myself a pat on the back because this work goes largely unnoticed. It’s invisible, like duck feet, it appears calm on the surface but underneath its feet are doing all the work in the cold water.

During all of this therapeutic work I have been struggling to be focused on anything substantial in my studio, however, I did manage to make some print blocks and do some pencil drawings in a sketchbook.

In the latter part of 2019 I visited the Welsh coast and took lots of photographs of pebbles on the beach.

These inspired some more simple paintings

Yesterday I painted some shapes in a sketchbook and today I intend to use print and drawing on top of them and to take the earlier printed works and cut them up for collage. I am being led by the ideas that emerge whilst immersed in the act of making. A part of me has just proposed that it wants to do some cut outs & make a book. It seems like my inner creative team are beginning to trust me again. Slowly slowly.

In February my therapist retires and we are working on the run down. It is deeply painful but good to revise & reflect upon my learning. I am looking for a new therapist to work in a psychodynamic way with parts & who understands the effects of splitting & long term trauma & who offers a sliding scale. So far, I’ve only found one who has the level of skill I feel safe with so I’m preparing myself for a quest & to keep my system safe.

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