Grief is a strange process. I always have a delayed reaction to stressful events and over the past few weeks the overwhelming emotions of sadness have made me feel exhausted so that I have had to go to bed by 7pm.

The physical manifestation is one of having a heavy feeling inside my chest, aches in my upper back, heavy limbs & the return of allergies. Emotionally, the sadness is more painful in the mornings & on certain days, psychologically I am struggling to be sociable, have little patience, can only concentrate for short periods & just want to crawl in a quiet cave & be left alone.

The fact of having two losses occurring simultaneously is making my grieving for my therapist an exercise in continual comparison with the lack of feeling I have for my mother. My young parts ache to go back to the therapy room where they felt seen, heard & safe. I have no yearnings for my mother & the greater my sadness for my therapist the less I have for my biological parent.

I guess there is a cognitive confusion whereby I have this thought, “I should not feel this way for my therapist, it should be the other way around” but really it is evidence of the powerful attachment I developed to him. It’s not something that I feel I can disclose to others & receive empathy, it almost feels like a misplaced grief that I have to hide alongside pretending to feel for my mother.

I’ve started a new blog which is called swginside.wordpress.com, it is focusing on the process of reading my 124 journals that span the last 7 years. I have a need to keep hold of this experience & make sense of it in the greater context of my life.

Painting has been therapeutic, it gives my young parts a space to play without any judgement. Here are some of the pieces

These were all done with gouache, Posca pens & Gellyroll pens on watercolour paper. The second one down has already sold. I’m thinking of doing prints once my energy returns.

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